You're Asking Me Now?

An unnamed father at Lou's school recently inquired about my relationship status as he was walking away to his car.

Are you a single mom?

Seeing as how he was literally walking away from me, I tried to keep my explanation short while still hitting the major points- not anymore, I've got an Other Half and I'm no longer drowning in the responsibilities of parenting alone, no I don't mind you asking, etc, etc. And I really don't mind people asking these questions- actually I'm glad when they do.  This is our normal and it may not be yours, but the more I can be open and talk about it the more normal it can be for Lou.  I'd much rather people ask than come up with their own version of events.  Sure it's untraditional, you're right, it's not what my mother would have wanted, but there's nothing shameful about the fact that I chose to keep a child I wasn't planning on and give up my life to raise her alone. 

But I wondered what prompted him to ask such a question now, now that I'm not alone, now that I'm somewhat rested, recently showered, and all together more put together.  Ask anyone who knows me well, it's apparent that I'm no longer single.  Among other things, my clothes no longer smell like mildew now that I'm actually able to switch laundry on a timely basis.  And honestly, our kids are here five days a week and I've given over much of the bus driving responsibility to my Other Half.  Has this man never noticed that Lou regularly leaves with a guy he doesn't know?  How many other children has he allowed to wander off with strangers with not so much as a second thought?

You see, Wife and I were looking through the address book for our hoity toity school here, and we noticed that your name was the only one listed as Lou's parent.

It's April, school's done in like a month, and you've just now decided to look through the address book and scrutinize other childrens' parents? 

That's something I did way back in August.  But I digress.

And then he got embarrassed and kept saying over and over, Well I only ask for the best possible reasons, I'm not trying to say anything by it, I just noticed your name, blah, blah, blah, honestly, the best possible reasons...

The "best possible reasons"?  What does he mean, "the best possible reasons"?  First off, that doesn't even make any sense, but second of all, how thick must you be to think that there are a bunch of great possibilities about being a single parent.

Let's list just a few:

1.  There's no one else to get up at night, so that baby who only sleeps two hours at a time can be even more pissed when it wakes up because your ugly face is the only one it sees.  I'm not saying that my face is necessarily ugly, but after nine days without a shower and having forgotten how to put on make-up because it's been so long, yeah, actually it is ugly.

2.  Besides the fact that you're only allowed to sleep in two hour increments, you still have school, work, and house to take care of.  And by house I mean laundry generated by puking baby because you're too tired to got out of bed to make a meal or do any other kind of activity the living do that could generate a mess.  At least that helps.  And you lose the eighty pounds you gained during pregnancy really fast when you're too tired and poor to eat.

3.  When baby finally does start sleeping though the night, you still don't get to because there's too much to do.  Beauty rest is overrated.  Survival sleep is what counts.

4.  When it's just you, you never leave, so Lou and I know each other really well.  Plus, when you don't have time for friends you don't have to deal with all the drama and gossip that goes along with phone calls.  Who wants to catch up with people anyways?

5.  When you don't have friends, you don't have to clean because no one is coming over anyways.  Less work!  But don't worry, you don't have time to notice. 

6.  You're the only one making every decision, so all that time you saved by eliminated friends, you can waste away worrying over whether or not you said or reacted the right way.  Oh, and if you ever have any extra money, you can use it to pay off those medical bills you've accumulated because, without a second opinion, every cough is life threatening.

This is not to say that being a single parent has absolutely no up-side.  Lou and I have a much closer relationship than we would have if we hadn't been chained together for two and a half years.  I'm sure there are other upsides too, it's just that being a single parent is too stressful for you to remember anything other than what needs to be dealt with right now.  You have no energy or brain space left to store away anything that isn't an immediate concern so those upsides have been lost to our chaotic first years.

But this post isn't supposed to be a list of those best possible reasons about being a single parent.  It's more along the lines of, YOU'RE ASKING ME NOW?

And not, now that I'm no longer single, but now that Lou's second year at this school is drawing to a close.  Now that I've seen you picking up your son at least 1200 times and I've listened to more than my fair share of your boring life stories.  Did you never pay attention in the 982 other times we've had a conversation?  Are you that wrapped up in yourself?

I've been so worried about what the other parents think of me, taking their avoidance to be a sign of judgement.  But maybe it wasn't that at all.  Maybe when you're in a relationship and have a child you planned for you take for granted the fact that not everyone else is and maybe they didn't chose to have a child right now.  Maybe when you've got your ducks in a row you forget that there are parents out there who worry not just about parenting, but who are also trying to make their way in the world.  Trying to squeeze in a few moments to plan where my life is going, not just my child's. 

But you've been too busy thrilling me with your weekend plans to build a tree house larger than my house to notice that I have to go RIGHT NOW, I've got things to do!

But maybe his whirlwind life chock full of himself is just as much of a blur as my days of indentured parentage were.

But maybe not.  Maybe he's just oblivious.