Chronic Bug Aversion

I don't like bugs.

Maybe it's the girly girl in me.  Maybe it's worn off from the distaste for bugs my mother had.  Maybe it's an aversion to all their creepy legs.  I have no idea what it is, but I don't like them.

That's why I have Guinea Hens.

That's also why I have a vacuum.

When my Other Half is around, he's the designated bug-getter.  But he's not always here.  So what's a girl to do?  Why, get the vacuum, of course!  My vacuum is indispensable not only for all the conventional reasons, but also because it's the perfect way to get rid of bugs without having to look at them too closely or to hear that nasty crunch when you grab them.

I don't like to touch bugs- maybe if I absolutely HAVE to, like Lou's life depends on it.  But other than this extreme and remote circumstance, I try not to touch them.  This leaves me with a few options when one appears inside:

The first is the Napkin Technique, where you use a napkin as a paper shield and grab the offending bug.  But you need to get so close to the bugs.  You need to actually grab them.  Sure, your hand is protected by a thin layer of paper, but what if the bug suddenly mutates into a Godzilla-like entity that threatens to destroy your home unless you feed it?  What if it grows a set of fangs and infects you with a poisonous venom in one deadly bite?  And I have to come back to the grabbing aspect because when you grab a bug you need to hold on tightly lest it get away.  What if you feel it?  What if you hear it crunch?

No.  For obvious reasons the Napkin Technique simply will not work.

Another technique is Drowning- glorified water boarding.  This technique removes the risk of a deadly hand bite as your hand need never touch said bug.  But the first problem is that one must get close enough to turn on the water and you run the risk of seeing the bug.  Sure, once the water is on the bug is rendered helpless as he is sent to the watery depths from whence he can never return.  But what if he does?  What if this particular bug is some sort of super bug, able to withstand massive amounts of water?  What if the water actually brings about these super bugs powers; fueling his bug-filled rage and causing him to launch himself skyward and back into the sink?  Plus, this only works if the bug is already in the sink.  If it's not then you're faced with the dilemma of getting it in there and you're most likely going to have to apply the napkin technique.

Therefore Drowning, too, is out of the question.

I could trap them in Tupperware and toss them outside.  The Trapping technique was highly favored with the geckos that often made their way inside when we lived in Florida.  But, again, I don't want to see or get too close to bugs, so I cannot use the Trapping Technique.

The best technique I've found thus far, aside from calling one of the Hens inside, is to suck the offending bug up with the vacuum.  Best part is that you can stay as far away from the bug as your vacuum hose is long.

Of course, you can't just suck up the bug and be done with it.  You need to run the vacuum for a period of time to ensure his death and eternal entrapment.  I like to count to ten before I turn the vacuum off.  It's a good, safe number to count to.  Plus, it's easy to remember in times of high stress, such as the times I'm faced with a bug.

For all of us with Chronic Bug Aversion, there is hope and there are options.  Pick your technique and perfect it.  You too can conquer bugs without the help of a designated bug-getter. 

Although it never hurts to keep one around, just in case.